The Happy Single Choice

I spent the majority of my adult life alone.

In a relationship with one person, me.

I served in the military and learned discipline, organization and how to behave like a man. I read hundreds of books every year. I listened to countless new albums and artists. I saw movies, plays musicals and even a couple concerts. I went places, hung out with lots of friends. I traveled and had friends that sent me plane tickets to far off places to come see them. I knew someone everywhere I went, and when I didnt, someone usually recognized me... It's true that it was commonly heard in the Castro in the early 2000's "I'll just meet you at Shane". When I moved to SF, I became my brother in High School, cool and popular. Finally.

Dont get the wrong idea... While I did usually tend to be surrounded by a shocking number of hot beautiful young boys that knew me and hung out with me... I was not sleeping with any of them (well, I mean, one or two here and there...). Their desire to be around me was simply because I was a funny genuine guy who wasnt trying to sleep with them and could remember their names and things about them. I know, it was a lot to remember before Friendster came around...

So, looking back on my mid 20's to mid 30's I had a pretty damn fine social life. I had been the CEO of two local arts organizations. I had a wide circle of people that I saw on a monthly basis, and worked with. Shit man, I even have the Key to the City of SF on my wall!! Id say all in all, I had a really good life. With one major exception.

Love.

Notice I didn't say Love and Sex. I had no problems finding a guy for a night or two or even a whole weekend for some knock down drag out sex. That wasn't the problem. I dreamed of the fairy tale relationship. And I readily admit that at the end of my 20's I had gotten quite bitter about the fact that every single one of my hot friends can get into a relationship just going to the corner store, but here I was the "greatest friend anyone could ever ask for", turning 30 and had never been on a proper date with anyone.

It was because I was chubby, and sad as it is, the gay community has rampant vanity issues. More often than not if a hot guy with muscles was looking in my direction it was because all my friends are hot guys with muscles and you can find me above the crowd. I was, sadly, the dorky, chubby, not so stylish older brother type that everyone always wanted, and no one ever admitted to wanting to sleep with. And I was very aware of this aspect on the gay community as all my hot friends ended up dating hot built versions of themselves with different heads!!! Arg!!!! Like I said... I was a little bitter about it all...

Well... I turned 30 without ever having dated a guy. And that night, my friend Jason gave me a shirt that he made me, that I still wear to this day. It had a raw human heart placed over my chest and writing that said "It's nice to finally feel my (heart diagram) again". I love that shirt. And my birthday wish that night was to stop being bitter about being single and just choose happiness whenever possible. And that actually did the trick. Every time I had a bitter thought about being single, I reminded myself to instead choose being happy about being single and lo and behold, over time and ceaselessly telling myself this, I became a happier person.

And I grew to really love the adult that I had become. I was smart, well liked, well regarded, popular, genuine, friendly authentic and truly living in the moment with everyone I met. And there was nothing that was missing in my life that another person could bring that I couldn't get for myself. I spent a lot of time alone with myself and I got down to the heart of who I am as a person. I realized that happiness and joy in life are generated completely by me, and that I wont ever need another human being to be able to experience those things because I can cause them in myself.

And then, at 33, I was introduced to the Bear Community and I met my first boyfriend.

He is a wonderful person and we are still good friends and hang out with the dogs. We genuinely want nothing but the best for each other. We just weren't good together as a couple. After all, not every love story is an epic. Some are short and sweet. We were together for just over 5 years, and like everybody else, we had our ups and downs, our good times and bad times, and quite a few downright fucking fantastic times. It was the perfect first relationship.

Its been a year since we split up, and the idea of dating again just boggles my mind. I cant even comprehend how people just bounce from one relationship to the next to the next without a second to think or decompress. I wasn't even willing to meet someone out for coffee for the last year, let alone an actual date, and now that I've been out a couple times, I'm clearer than ever. I DO NOT want to date again. I don't want to be in a relationship again. I want to be single, and on my own. For a long while.

And what's even weirder, I've grown from that awkward chubby older brother into a full fledged legitimate man over the last five years. I don't mean that like I grew up and took responsibility or anything silly... I mean that I grew from a chubby boy with rolls into a man with a barrel chest. My upper body filled out and my posture became more erect, I've had a beard for the last five years and I feel good about myself and my confidence is very high and I feel like I am right now, the most attractive man I have ever been in my life and I have zero use for it because I have no interest in dating anyone.

I cant tell you if this is a forever feeling. I just cant imagine the idea of being with anyone other than me again. I know me. I know how to fix and heal and help me. I know how to make me happy, every time, without fail. And after having been in my first  relationship, the most terrifying thing that I took away from it is how much of myself and the things I love I am willing to give away and put on the shelf to make someone else happy. I would give up almost everything to make the person I'm with happy. Without a second thought to myself.

While some people say "that's what you do when your in love", I was too willing and it was too easy to disappear into that idea of making someone else happy. And after all the time I had spent becoming this fully evolved man that I loved, I realized that I was a better human being when I was on my own. I was better for myself, I was a better friend, I was more devoted to my passions. I was happier alone. I don't want to be a person that devolves into an us again. I gave five good years to a good man, and while I do not regret any of it and would not change it, I would rather spend that same amount of time putting in that kind of love and effort following the dreams that I almost gave up on. Why does someone else deserve that kind of love and attention when I don't even spend it on myself anymore?

I'd rather spend it on myself. Call me selfish. I'd rather follow my dream and make a choice to be happy single, than try to make sure someone else is. And this isnt going to be an easy path for me, no one reaches for the stars without getting singed a bit. I cant try and drag someone along and hope and pray that they understand and are willing to be patient while I work on my dreams. I have to do this for me, no one is going to follow my dreams for me, and no one should have to wait around not living their life while waiting for me to get somewhere. Because if I succeed and I actually reach my dream, I'll never stop moving.

The comfort that I have is that I can still have the things that you think are needed for a happy couples life. I have my eight or so good friends that I can have the deepest most meaningful conversations with, as you would with a spouse. I have one or two regular gentlemen callers of a like mind that I see on occasion for the physical needs that one fulfills with a significant other. I have a couple friends that love to cuddle during a movie. I have a huge family and community of chorus members, fellow artists, musicians, actors, philanthropists and working stiffs that number in the hundreds. I can walk outside right now, and I will, without doubt run into someone I know. Being this person, this makes me happy.

I can choose a happy life where I am in control of my future. I can choose to follow my dream with no abandon or fear, because doing anything less is shameful and a wasted life. And I can choose the single life because it is what is best for me and because it is my choice to make.

To catch you up...

Yeah... I know... it's been a while.

And trust me... there is a shit load I need to catch you up on. I seriously have 42 started but unfinished blogs to publish... But that would take forever and honestly, I dont even know if anyone reads this thing anymore I've been gone so long. So, lets get on with it... to make it short, I'm going to start at the end, and go backward. So,  lets talk about the last year. Here's where I've been...

I've officially been single for a year. After coming to a mutually agreeable ending Danny and I officially stopped being a couple (in my mind) last November 7th, 5 years and two months after we met and started dating. I remember the day so well because it was also the day we got evicted from my wonderful home on Castro.

Yeah... that happened. I'm still raw about it. It was the longest place I had ever lived in my life. It was my first HOME. I still look up every time I'm in the neighborhood. It was empty for a long while in city time, but there are curtains now... But I still have the urge to throw things at the building when I'm near it, so I tend to stay on the other side of the street. The eviction is a long story and took 11 months in court battles before I ultimately lost.

Things got out of my grip and I couldnt hold all the strings together anymore. I had three roommates that stiffed me on a months rent and a couple months worth of bills all within about 7 months of each other, I lost my job and started temping again... I covered people more that I was able to and it eventually cost me the house. And I fought like hell, but sometimes the cards fall the other way.

After dropping Danny off at Bart to go home to his parents place in the east bay, AJ drove me down to his place in San Jose where I would stay with Jinx (my dog... oh yeah, I got a dog!!) until I could find a new place to live. I stayed there for a month, all the while working 7 days a week at two jobs for a year straight with no break (except the weekend I had to move of course). I commuted up to 4 hours a day and worked 8 hours a day. It nearly killed me, but I needed the money to stay afloat.

Oddly enough, the same week I lost my eviction case I also got offered a really great job at the place where I had been temping since my last lay-off. They brought me on and that paycheck was everything. After the month at AJ's I couldn't handle the commute any longer and for Christmas Danny and I stayed together with our dogs at Chad Fox's legendary pad in north beach. And as corny and disgusting as it sounds, the blinking lights from all those titty bar marquee's really made the mood in the air feel like a little magic Christmas... you know, from the right angle... above, without a clear line of sight. Anyways, it was a nice holiday after the rough go it had been. After that I found a cheap ($450 a week) and surprisingly nice hotel downtown to stay in while I kept looking for a room.

Danny had Jinx in the east bay at his mom's and it was utter hell trying to find a room to rent that would take a dog let alone getting her to the interview with me... anyways I didn't find a place until February, when my best friend Steph made the decision to move to Portland with her wife Jen. They needed to save some money and just happened to have a room to rent for me and Jinx. So from February through August I lived in that sweet odd little flat commonly known as "the Whorehouse", being treated like a right proper gay husband married to a good southern baptist housewife, who made me breakfast before work and had cocktails in the making when I got home. It was quite possibly the very thing that saved me.

When they moved to Portland I moved over to Liz and Shelly's place on Church and Market where they happened to have a room to rent for a short period of time... And thats where I am as I sit here typing. Oh... the other stuff...

So, while I had the good job, was making some extra money and living with Steph I decided to start taking this singing class that she has always been telling me about but I never had the money to go to. I started taking class at the Shari Carlson Studio in April and it was good and challenging. My vocal range grew, my abilities grew, and most interestingly, she began working with my entire body as an instrument and I have had astronomical growth since. It's an amazing studio, highly recommended. So for the last six months I have been taking two singing classes and one acting class a week. Because I remembered that I could sing, and I really did love it...

Then in May, my cousin Zach died at the age of 20. I dont know why it hit me so hard other than he was the first of my generation to die young. He and I had been facebook friends for a few years, having been seperated by time and space for most of his life. He was an amazing kid though, just... he drew you in and you were hooked. It's kind of like how you feel when you look at the sun, the warmth, the brightness, the joy... He died doing what he loved. Rock climbing. I feel robbed that I never got to spend the time that we were promised getting to know each other as family.

The next night in class I sang a song for him, "Bring him Home", from Les Miz. I've never preformed a song like that before, and I may never be able to draw that raw live emotion to the front again, but I cried like I hadn't in years, while singing in a tear wracked falsetto, my entire way through that song. There wasn't a dry eye in the the room and thats when I realized, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be an actor. I'd almost let the dream go. I'd almost settled for almost, and at that moment I realized how close I had come to putting it all down and walking away. And I decided that if I were to die young, I want to have done what I love.

Since May... I've been in two webseries pilots. Seven short films. Three stage plays. Four commercials and next week I am going to get an agent.

So... All caught up? I know... the other 42 articles, I'm on it! Did I mention that I finally got a computer again... thanks Mom.