All the pictures in this post are of the USS Shiloh (CG-67). This is the boat I was assigned to while in the Navy.
I
have told this story a thousand times so I figured I would finally
write it down. This is the story of how exactly I got the boot from the
military. I will do a little catch up for those of you who didn't even
know I was in the military.
Preamble:
I
joined the Navy September 17th, 1997. I joined for one very specific
reason; to save myself. After high school I was a very lazy boy. I
didn't want a job. I was pissed off a lot. I couldn't afford to go to
college so I just pissed around and did a lot of nothing. I had several
jobs that all sucked and that I always left prematurely. I didn't really
like work you see. My parents, not knowing what else to do, finally gave me the
boot from the familial manse. I hopped around between abandoned
apartments, friends living rooms, and anywhere else I could find to
sleep. There were a few nights when yes, I actually did sleep on the
streets.
I hated my life and I knew that I was on a path to
an early death or prison. I was a wreck and even when I did get jobs I
couldn't keep them. My life seemed to be stuck in a bad after school
special. My parents would let me come back for spans of time after I
would cry and tug at every one of my Mom's heart strings. But these were
usually short lived because once I got back into the house I would sit
around and do nothing. I faked it well though. I told my dad that I had a
job at a store in the mall and when he came home from his morning route
I would either hide in the garage or run out saying I was on my way to
work. In actuality I would go to the mall and sneak into the theater and
watch all the movies two or three times, or until enough time had
passed that I could pretend that I had worked a full day. Told you,
difficult boy.
Well
they always caught on eventually. After a couple years of this cycle I
finally got that I needed to do something drastic or it would be too
late. I was in a very ugly downward spiral that would not end well for
me. I started seriously thinking about what I could do. I couldn't hold
down a job, my parents were always on the verge of kicking me out, I couldn't find a job that I wouldnt just quit, and
that was when it came to me. A job where I can't quit or get fired...
And so, shortly before my 22nd birthday I went down
to the Navy recruiters office and signed my name on the dotted line.
That night was a very intense night in the house. Both Mom and Chuck
thought it was one of the worst things I had ever done. Mom couldn't get
it out of her head that gay people die in the military at the hands of
their shipmates (it didn't help that some made for tv movie about that
very thing had just been on tv). Chuck thought it was a bad idea because
he didn't think I could handle it, and he too, didn't want to see me
hurt or even killed. Remember my parents are hippies, my Mom's response
when I told her was "I knew I should have listed you as a conscientious
objector when I had the chance".
Well, I went anyway.
And there are a lot of fantastic stories, a lot of great port visits,
some amazing people and some horrible times that I could tell you about.
But the one story that beats all the others, and the one I've had to repeat the most often is about how I got kicked out.
And just for those of you who think it was because I am a total MO serving during Don't ask, Don't tell... you
are wrong.
December 8th 1999:
I
was on the boat that night with a free evening but not really sure what I wanted to do. It was
a Wednesday night and I had to work the next day so I couldn't do
anything crazy. I had made friends with a couple of the new guys in my
division on the boat. I was pretty sure one of them was very gay, the other one was just so cute and friendly that I figured he was used to and liked gay guys
cuz I was gay and he knew and he still liked me and wanted to hang out. We ran into another Navy friend of mine on the dock that I knew
from the gay bars and he said we could all chill at his place
that night if we wanted. So the four of us were off, we stocked up on
liquor and bad movies and went over to Dustin's
house.
All in all the night went by pretty uneventful.
Romanowski and I were just a couple gigglers and Dustin and Green were
doing this weird whose-more-manly thing, also know as flirting. It was a
fun night. When it became apparent that Green wasn't really a drinker,
we picked him up and took him to Dustin's bedroom and put him to bed.
The three of us stayed up for another hour or so and then finally we all
went to sleep. Dustin to his room to watch Greene and Romanowski and I
into the other bedroom. Some time passed while we all slept and then Dustin came out of his room saying that Greene was having
involuntary personal protein spills... all over his good sheets!!!
Dustin
and I helped him up and put him directly into the shower. He still had
his boxers on when we turned the water on him. He sobered up a little
bit almost at once. When he was talking coherently we turned the water
off and helped him out. He sat on the floor giggling, and asked for some
dry underwear which Dustin ran to get. We helped him change and dry off and then
all four of us went back to our respective beds. The next morning the four of us got up
with heads pounding. We all sat around the kitchen table and tried to
eat something while laughing about things from the previous night. Greene and
Dustin seemed to be getting on fantastically. They were touching knees
under the table, smiling and making eye contact a lot. After breakfast and
what seemed like Greene and Dustin taking a long time to get dressed, we
managed to make our way back to the boat. That is when everything
exploded.
Greene
was still drunk and he passed out as soon as we got back to the boat,
missing the morning muster. When the chief heard that Greene was
sleeping and that was why he missed muster he headed straight down to
give him a good yelling at. Neither of them had come back by the time we
were given our assignments and I figured that Greene had been yelled at
and Chief had gone on to other things. Later that morning I was doing my maintenance work
in one of the main hallways inside the ship when the Chief Master at
Arms (the cop of the boat, basically) approached me. He started asking
me about this Dustin person that I had hung out with the night before. I
asked why he wanted to know and he said in a rather loud voice, so that
anyone else in the hallway would hear, that this Dustin person had
raped Greene the previous night. When I told him that that most certainly
did not happen, the MAA got even angrier. He started talking about Faggots and
what happens to them in the military and then in accusing tones he said I
had to tell him everything about what happened.
I had
gotten pretty riled up during this tirade of hate, and when he put it to me like
he was ordering me to disclose not only who Dustin was but whether or
not he was a faggot. I stood up straight, dwarfing him in the process,
and said that he could go directly to hell and while he was there he
could direct his ignorant illegal questions to my attorney. Then, while
he was still in shock at being talked to that way, I turned and walked
away from him. That day turned out to be an all around nightmare. At
lunch instead of the usual time to eat and relax, our division officer
forced us all to go on a mile and a half run. If you know me, you know
that running is probably my least favorite thing in the world.
By
the time we got back to the boat after the run everyone but the die
hards were pretty exhausted. We all started walking toward the gangway
to get back on the boat when our LT. said that we were going to do the
same run again, right now. I turned back to him to see if I had heard
him right, as did everyone. He was totally serious. So the division begrudgingly started filing back onto the pier to run again, with one exception. I
was done running. I turned toward the boat and kept walking to the
gangway. He called my name and I pretended that I didn't hear him. When I
didn't respond he ran over to cut me off.
"Where are you going?" he asked
"To eat lunch" I responded, trying as hard as I could not to scream.
"We are doing this run again, right now. The entire division, and that includes you, so come on..."
"No."
"Excuse me?"
"The
navy requirement is that I be able to run a mile and a half, which I
just did. I am not skipping lunch, and I am not running another mile and
a half."
"Yes, you are. That is an order. We are a team and we will do this as a team."
"Sir,
you can go fuck yourself. It's not one for the navy and one for you. I
am going back on the boat, eating lunch, and then going to my on-duty watch station which your run would make me late for."
If he had a response to that, I never heard it. That was when the MAA saw me on the pier and came running.
"Kroll, what the hell are you doing off the boat?"
"I was running with my division, why?"
"Because the Officer of the Deck has orders not to allow you to leave the boat. You need to come with me, right now."
So
without another look back at my LT I walked to the gangway, onto the
boat and down to the MAA's office. I had no idea what was going on now.
He sat me down in his office doing his best tough guy impersonation, and
started questioning me again. And again I told him that if he wanted to
talk to me about legal matters he could consult my attorney for I had
nothing to say to him. It felt good defying this man who seemed to think
that he could break whatever rules he wanted. For one brief moment I
belonged to me again. We sat there in silence, him filling out papers,
and me arms crossed waiting.
Finally he looked up at me
and asked if I was going to tell him anything. I told him that Greene
was lying through his teeth if he says he was raped. He asked if I had
anything more substantial to say, and I said yeah, attorney. Then he
picked up a stack of paperwork, stapled it and told me to follow him. We
went down to the berthing that I called home and he asked me to take
him to my rack and my locker. Once there he asked to see my seabag and
when I got it out, he said "fill it".
"With what?" I asked
"All
your belongings" he said. I looked at him in confusion and his reply
was "as of today you are to be removed from this ship and placed under
disciplinary restriction in the Transient Personnel Unit Disciplinary
Barracks." What the fuck!!
So while people filed around
in the berthing trying to figure out what was going on, I packed
everything I owned into that seabag. When I was packed the MAA took me
up to the quarterdeck and entered into the log book that Kroll had been
disembarked from the USS Shiloh and was on temporary assignment to TPU
Disciplinary Barracks.
It took me a few days to get my
feet back on the ground. I was so thrown for a loop when it came to what
to do. The first thing I did was go to the JAG office and get myself a Navy attorney. I explained everything including the fact that there was nothing non-consensual that happened.
NCIS came to question me, and again I told them they could speak to my
attorney. It all got very tense. The rumor mill on the boat had started
flying. The worst and most widely believed gossip was that I had raped Greene. So
anytime I ran into someone from my boat I got an evil eye. When it was
someone I considered a friend that gave me the cold shoulder I would be
pissed and yell at them saying "Seriously? You think I raped that liar? Me??" Not a very convincing argument I know, but it was all I could
think of in the moment.
168 days in Hell
So
there I was... after two years on my boat I was sent to a new command
and I was not to have any contact with anyone on the boat. TPU is
normally a place for sailors to go while waiting to go somewhere else.
For example, if a girl that is assigned to a boat gets pregnant she is
assigned to TPU until she delivers and then she can be transferred back
to the boat. Or if someone gets to San Diego but their assigned boat is
underway somewhere, they go to TPU and wait for the boat to get back. It
is transient, for people passing through.
TPU
Disciplinary isn't much different. We would go work out on the base
during the day, doing the odd jobs that didn't exactly belong to
anybody, but still needed to be done. And then we would go back to the
barracks. The barracks were actually just like boot camp. Two very long
wide rooms with about a hundred bunk beds and lockers. All privacy out the door. They don't want to make it comfortable. They don't
want anyone to stay too long. So like the regular TPU, this barracks was
also filled with transients... the only difference, really, was
destination location. These people were not waiting to get to their
ship. They were waiting for punishment of some kind or another. Be it
discharge, restriction or brig. Some of them were pretty cool people,
but some of them were clearly nuts. I did however meet some quality
people. If you remember Caanan from my Beautiful Boys #1. I met him
there. That was the only redeeming quality.
Right next
door to TPU was NCIS, and my boats MAA informed them of the
investigation that I was involved in and so they routinely pulled me in
for questioning. Just like with the MAA they asked me questions they had
no right to ask me. And I refused completely to help them with their
investigation. It was pretty clear that they had already spoken to
Greene and that he had told them I had nothing to do with it. They were
focusing their attention on this Dustin person that they say actually committed
the crime. I was under investigation for Conspiracy to commit sodomy,
accomplice to rape, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, disobeying orders, leaving my duty station and
several other things. These charges were what the people on the boat
were told I had done.
It
took them 3 months to get to it, but when they finally informed me of
the date of my captains mast (one step down from court martial) I felt
like I was ready to face them. The actual charges of my Captains Mast ended up simply being false official
statement, requesting another to commit an offense and leaving place of
duty. They had tried to throw the book at me and failed. Although they
did charge me with crimes that had been removed from the uniform code of
military justice more than twenty five years prior.
The
day of my captains mast I got dressed in my dress whites uniform. They had been cleaned, pressed and my shoes polished. All my
medals (more than anyone else of my rank on my ship) were polished and
pinned to my lapel. The duty van came and picked me up and brought me to
my ship. For the first time since I had been removed from my ship, I
was allowed on board, and got to see my shipmates. If you have ever been
in trouble with the law you can imagine the feelings I was going
through. I was brought downstairs to the library and asked to stand at
parade rest outside the door until I was summoned. The MAA approached me
and started talking to me. I ignored him completely, which I'm sure
angered him to no end, but that guy was not only an unimaginable prick,
he was one of those people that once they get the slightest taste of
power they become drunk with it.
After about twenty
minutes of waiting I was asked to come inside. I was told to stand on a
spot about five feet from the captain (his name was Liggett, and he was
one of two people that I ever experienced having problems with gays
during my service). To my left was the MAA and the executive officer,
and to my right was my entire chain of command. BM1 Manns, Chief Damien,
LT Keefer, and LTCDR Bastafka. It began with the MAA reading off all
the charges. When he was done, I was asked if I understood the charges,
and I said yes, with the exception of two. I don't remember exactly what
they were, but my lawyer had prepared me well. The two charges I
objected to had been removed from the UCMJ and were therefore no longer
crimes.
Captain Liggett said "Well, I'm sure he meant this charge and that charge..."
To
which I replied "He may have meant this charge and that charge sir, but
that is not what he has charged me with. Last time I checked you cant
charge people for committing crimes that are not actually crimes."
The
captain looked at me for a moment in what could only have been amused
disbelief and then said "It doesn't matter that you say they have been
removed, I am the captain and I am going to charge you with those
crimes."
"Captain, should you choose to go ahead and
charge me with non-existent crimes, I will have your decision overturned
on appeal. Here are the pages of the UCMJ where those crimes used to be
and you can clearly see that they were removed." I handed him the
photocopies my lawyer had given me, he glanced at them, glanced at the
MAA, and said that we were going to move ahead with the proceedings and
this would get ironed out after.
He
asked me to explain what had happened and I told him about being
questioned in the hallway where everyone could hear. I told him about
his MAA breaking the don't ask don't tell law. And I told him that what
had happened between Greene and Dustin was consensual in my observation and it was between them. He wanted
to know about Dustin, and still I refused to tell him anything. At that
he turned to my chain of command and asked them each to give their
opinion of me as a sailor and he asked them for a recommendation of what
to do.
BM1 Mans went first: "While I haven't been on
board very long I have observed Kroll at work and he seems to get the
job done." He was the only person that stood up for me. The chief, who I
had had several heart to hearts with, and whom I trusted, stabbed me in
the back while lying to my face.
"Kroll is a terrible
sailor. You should remove him from the navy." This statement was echoed
by LT Keefer, my division officer. Almost word for word, the two of them
lied.
At this point, my disbelief was so palpable that
I actually smiled a little. Captain Liggett saw it and asked "Do you
think this is funny, Kroll?"
I looked at him and said "No sir, this is not funny. This is sad, and pathetic."
"What is?" he asked.
"It
is sad that these men have so little honor that they would sell their
integrity just to look good for you. It is pathetic that they feel they
can lie without any repercussion or aforethought, just because they
think it is what you want to hear."
"Calling people who
out rank you names, will not help your cause here, Kroll. You are to
give these men your respect." I had been looking at the men that had
just betrayed me, but at these words I turned back to the captain.
"You
tell me I am too blindly follow these men's orders and give them
respect? Why would I give them an ounce of respect when they clearly
think that the Navy values of Honor, Courage and Commitment are nothing
but some fancy words? They just lied to your face, and all you can say
is respect them." At this I turned to the Chief, who I felt had betrayed
me the deepest and I asked him to clarify some things for me.
"Chief,
you just said that I was a terrible sailor. Do you want to refine that
statement at all? No? Then answer me this, why am I the highest ranking
seamen in your division? Or better yet, why did you give me all those advanced level jobs if you thought I was so horrible? Are you in the habit of giving
bad sailors the best jobs? If I was so bad why did you make me line
captain, or Master Lee Helmsmen, Paint Locker PO, Flight Crew, Damage
Control Maintenance Man. Why did you give me permission to spend my time
working on getting my ESWAS qualifications? Why did you let me spend
all that time in medical so I could get my quals for Corps School? Why
did you have me get qualified for watches that were not only above my
rank, petty officer of the watch, but which I would never stand, Officer
of the Deck?"
At
that I turned back to the captain and said "Does that sound like I am a
terrible sailor, or does it sound like you just got lied to?"
Captain
Liggett narrowed his eyes and he said to me
"Seamen Kroll, you just disrespected several ranking officers in my
presence. Do you want to elaborate on what a good sailor you are? I am
finding you guilty of all charges. You will forfeit $200 a month for two
months, be reduced in rank to Seamen Apprentice, you will be given
extra duty and put on restriction at TPU for 40 days. I will also be
dishonorably discharging you from the Navy. You will now turn and return
to the hallway and wait to be escorted back to TPU."
"Yes
sir, and Captain, this is my notice to inform you that I will be
appealing your decision. Unlike these people here, I still have my
integrity and I came prepared to defend it." With that I turned and
marched out of the room and waited in the hallway. The people in the
room started filing out behind me and the Chief stopped in front of me
and started "Kroll..."
"I will not be responding to you
any more chief. I will have no more of your lies, you have no honor or integrity and I have no respect for you or anything you have to say." With that he snapped
his mouth shut and walked away. BM1 Manns stood there watching him go.
"Kroll, I'm sorry this is all happening to you, truly. But I think what
the Chief was going to say is that your future is not here. You were
never meant to be a military man, you have a lot more going for you than
the people here. I think the Chief just wanted to get you out so that
you can start your real life." With that the MAA came out and escorted
me to the duty van, which took me back to TPU. They put me on
restriction for about five days until the appeal was formally lodged and
then I went back to normal duty.
Being in TPU wasn't
all bad. The CO of TPU took a special interest in my case because she
saw that I was always impeccably dressed, I always passed my inspections
with out-standing's and I was always reliable in the jobs I was
assigned. One day not long after my captains mast she stopped in front
of me during inspection. "Kroll, your uniform is clean and ironed. The
creases are all in the right places and you have a very high gloss on
your shoes. Yet another outstanding uniform inspection. About your
situation with your boat, I've read your file and the results of your Captains Mast and honestly, I think that you are being railroaded. While I
have no authority to change any of that, I can make your time here in TPU go
as easily as possible. And one thing I will promise you is that if they
do kick you out, I will make sure it goes as quickly and easily as
possible. When they finally officially transfer you to my command I will
have you out of here and back in the civilian world in less than three
days. Does that sound good to you?"
To which my stunned response was "Yes mam, thank you very much."
For
another two months I fought a legal battle with my boat. To help my appeal along I wrote a
very long scathing five page letter. I felt completely betrayed by my command and
so felt that it was my obligation to make things as difficult for them
as they were making it for me. In this letter I stated that I had been
harassed and called a fagot so many times that I was always in a state
of fear for my life while I was there. I then proceeded to list the
name, rank and date of every person on my boat that had broken the Don't
ask, Don't tell rule and when they did it. I asked for justice, and
that an example be made to show that it was more than just a paper law.
When
I finished this letter I sent it to everyone I could possible think of.
I sent it to my congresswoman, my senator, the vice president (I
couldn't send it to Bill because technically he was in my chain of
command and that would get me in even more trouble), the national press
syndicate, civil rights attorney Gloria Alred, my family attorney, my
JAG attorney, and finally I sent a copy to my captain.
At
the end of April I got a summons from the new Executive Officer on my
boat. He was new to this whole situation and wanted to get it all from
the horses mouth. Again I got into my best uniform and waited for the
duty van. When I got to the boat I was escorted into the officers
quarters where the XO has his office. He called me in and I stood
against the wall in what was a very small office. He looked at me for a
moment and then asked me if I could please explain this letter to him. I
asked what he meant, since in my mind the letter seemed pretty self
explanatory. He asked me about my captains mast and the things I had
said there. I didn't know what to think of this guy since he was so
calm. Unlike most of the other officers I had experienced this guy
seemed to have a firm grasp on logic. After the question and answer
portion he finally asked me if I wanted out of the military.
I
think it was the first time someone had actually asked me that and
expected an honest answer. It took me a moment, but I finally decided to
open up to him. I told him "I did want out of the military, since the
day I joined. But I had put my name on that enlistment form of my own
free will. That was the only reason I had stayed in the navy. I put my
name on that piece of paper and promised to defend my country to the
best of my abilities. I had plenty of reasons and plenty of
opportunities to get out, but I didn't. My name is my word, it is my
bond of integrity, by putting my name on that paper I made a promise and
my name is only as good as the promises I keep."
I
then went on and told him that the Shiloh had put a stain on my name
with innuendo, rumor and irresponsibility. "If that is the state that
our military is in, where people can lie with no consequences. Where
power hungry people have no checks put on them, and where one lie can
spin so far out of control that it starts ruining people's lives, than I
suppose my answer is yes, I want out of the navy."
"Ok.
I will let you out of the military, and I will give you a general under
honorable discharge. You will still have to do your time on
restriction, but the day your restriction is over you will be processed
out and released from service. Does that sound amenable to you?" He gave
me what I was fighting for, and so my only response was "Yes sir."
I
went back to TPU and went back on restriction. While I was on
restriction the USS Shiloh officially transferred me to TPU, and true to
her word as soon as TPU got all my paper work the CO of TPU expedited my
release. I was about six days short of finishing my restriction when
the CO of TPU said that my restriction was over and I needed to go to
all the standard end of service appointments. Three days after that I
was discharged from the United States Navy. I got in my car with
everything I owned and after a brief stop at my parents house, I drove
the 5 north to San Francisco.
