On August 4th 2004, I went to Lazy Bear in the Russian River for the first time and met what would turn out to be the only man that ever broke my heart: Cory Howard. When we found out that we both lived in SF we made plans to hang out once back in the city. We started out as casual intimate friends for a couple years, then we both got into relationships with other people. We still hung out and when we were both single again we resumed our torrid love affair.
Though we never defined our relationship, we each viewed it in very different ways. To me, he was beautiful, soulful, artistic, funny, passionate and someone I wanted very desperately to be with. Perhaps too desperately, as I believe he just saw me as a fuck buddy he could talk to and chill with. I was never someone he was going to date.
I wanted him to be my boyfriend and when he caught on, he became very distant. Our hang time shrunk to almost non-existent until I felt like I had to beg him for his time. Eventually my move to LA became a real thing and so on the 10 year anniversary of our meeting, August 4th 2014, I went into the bar that he worked at and had a shot with him and wished him goodbye. The next night I went home and wrote him this letter. While I wish I had the courage to give it to him or say these things to him, I decided that he didn't need the closure that I did, and so I kept it to myself all this time.
That was ten years ago. I've long held on to this letter with hope that I may see him again. I still have to hold back tears when I read it. He's not on social media and never had an email that I knew about, so his phone number was the only way I had to check in on him. Once I had the strength though, I deleted his phone number. He's had my same number all this time and I never heard from him again.
So here we are, two decades in and I still think about him and still wish things had gone differently, but they didn't and I have to keep letting him go every time I think about him.
The last time you saw me… was the last time you’ll see me
By the time you read this, I’ll be gone, fleeing towards the future
Can you remember our last exchange?
Do you remember what we said or how we left it?
Did you feel anything between us?
I was gone when you turned around,
How long before you noticed? Did you notice?
Ten years to the day that you walked into my life
I regretfully walked out of yours
I fought long and hard against the slow fade;
I tried everything I knew to keep you interested
I willfully ignored all of your flags and signs
And accepted every interaction I could get from you
I think you kept hanging around and chatting me up
So I’d get bored and never think you the bad guy
I don’t think of you as the bad guy. Lost Love.
You played an experts game of keeping your distance
While allowing me close enough to know you, to love you
And while I’m a man who has a hold on my emotions,
I do have them, and they hurt when ignored or unnoticed
You had a thousand excuses and prior engagements
You were brilliant at keeping me out
And I’m sure that there were, though I just can’t remember,
Any times when you reached out to me, for anything
When treated so casually, how could I have fallen?
How did I fan that spark into flame?
It was your soul, and your strength and watching you talk about painting
I couldn’t speak openly around you, I just couldn’t waste a moment
Not on anything as petty and selfish as “me”, “I want” or “I need”
Every moment that I spent with you was spent being fully with you.
The rest could be dealt with on my own, later, in my head.
Where I would scream at myself for not speaking out loud
“I want you, I want to be with you, I need you, I need you to want me”
You walked up to me in a campground and said hi
Ten years later, and everyday, from that day to this
I have thought about you and wished…
But I can’t wish anymore.
I can’t hope anymore.
I can’t wait anymore.
I concede.
No drawn out scene.
No emotional tearful goodbye, well, not for you anyway.
Just an anonymous letter in the post.
Reflecting on ten years of friendship and love, mostly good, mostly mine.
I’ll try to think about you less, and I’ll move on to what’s next.
I hope I see you again
I love you
Goodbye.
