If Airlines Sold Paint

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on
quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is
there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon,
and we have 60 different prices up to $200
a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's
all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that
$12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my
day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the
$200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get
the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at
night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to
agree to start painting before Friday of that
week and continue painting until at least
Sunday. You must paint on a Saturday night.

Customer: You've got to be *&%#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint
available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I
can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint
available. We sell only a certain number of
gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the
way,the price per gallon just went to $16.
We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules
hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't
actually walked out of the store with your paint
yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How
many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that
six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you
buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties
and possible confiscation of the paint you already
have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen,
bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop
painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose
your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all
the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all
our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes
us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible
happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically
becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale
from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only
comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do
half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the
room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty
and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need
somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to
buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your
kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you
won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway
from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will
be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the
point at which youstarted. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but
only paint in onedirection, you'll confiscate the
remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus
the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I
believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.