Holly Jolly Christmas, It's the last post of the year...

This Christmas was a very good one.

Unlike most everyone I know, I never have to worry about the last minute frantic holiday shopping. Thank god, trying to get around downtown in the shopping district in December is a prospect that shouldn’t be faced without full body armor and a very big stick. I do my shopping all year long. The benefit of being far from any family is that I can buy those gifts all year long and am not tempted to just give them then and there (this being the sole reason my Mom can’t do the all year thing). This year there was one gift of choice for pretty much everyone on my list; Planet Earth. If you haven’t checked it out, do. It is the most amazing look at our planet that has ever been made… but back to the story at hand.

This year has been particularly hard on my family. Every single one of us lost our job this year. My dad was let go from his job of 16 years as a school bus driver. My mom was let go from her job of almost 20 years as Art Director of an advertising agency. I left my job of managing a law firm’s office services department in February. My brother lost his job at The United Way. My sister in law got downsized out of her job at the Louisville Tourism Board. So all in all, not a good work year for the family.

Although… It kind of was a good personal year for all of us. Both mom and dad hated their jobs. Dad has actually found a much better job with much better hours doing the only other thing he loves as much as playing the drums and skydiving; taking care of handicapped kids. Mom has finally taken the plunge full on and started her own business. She had been toying with the idea for years and was kinda sorta doing it before she got laid off, but now she has really stepped up to the plate and is starting to really succeed. Plus now, she has a much much better boss. My brother finally graduated college after slowly pecking away at his degree for over ten years. And I got a part time job that I absolutely LOVE.

I guess that balances out the good and the bad. We knew it was going to be a cheap Christmas this year. Nothing new for our family though. We have been through some very hard times. There were times in our lives when all that we could afford to eat were ramen noodles and potatoes. Our little family has known destitution and desperation. The one thing I can say about my parents is that no matter how bad things were and no matter how broke we were, Josh and I never wanted for anything. There were things we knew we would never have, but we also knew that not having those things would not be the end of the world.

My parents always provided for us. The testament to this is that Josh and I never really knew how close we came to real poverty. For this alone I owe my parents as many great Christmases as I can possibly give them. So this year while we were all reeling from the shock of the unemployment I devised a plan. I knew that Josh and Mel were going to stay in Kentucky for Christmas because it was also their ten year anniversary. They were finally going to take their honeymoon, so all I had to do was figure out how to give mom and dad a good Christmas.

My mom loves San Francisco. One of her favorite places in this city is sitting on the chaise lounge in my bay window reading and people watching. She has been here several times, including my 30^th birthday party when I rented out the restaurant on the corner of gay and gayer. I thought if I could somehow convince them to come here for the holidays they would have a great time. So I talked my mom into it and she talked dad into it, and that was it.

They drove up Saturday afternoon… and when I say drove up it took them almost nine hours!! That night they rested up from the drive, my mom passed out early and my dad and I stayed up shooting the breeze till about two in the morning (a regular occurrence in our household). Sunday morning my mom wanted to go to church, so she and I went to services at the place I work. She loved it. The priest even made sure to welcome her in his opening sermon.

We went to lunch and had a nice casual stroll around the neighborhood. My mom is a sucker for the architecture here and I loved walking around with them showing them all the really cool things. They also really liked being in the Castro and seeing me say hi to so many people. It made them happy to see what a good life I have here. Sunday night Danny came over and the four of us went to appease my moms burning desire to have Chinese food in Chinatown. I know I avoid that area most of the time, but that night it was quiet and magical. We had a great meal and then walked around looking at all the Chinese knock-off shops.

On Monday mom and I spent the day preparing the Christmas Eve feast. Stuffing, potatoes, candied yams, green-bean casserole, five-cup salad and a twenty pound turkey. By dinner time we were ravenous, and the house was full of good smells and friendly people. Nine of us sat around the living room gabbing and eating Christmas dinner that night: My parents and I, Danny, my roommates Chris and Gabe, Gabes friend James, Stephanie and Jen and Reverend Annie. Talk about some interesting high spirited talk, the nine of us just had a blast.

At 9 my parents, Steph, Jen, Annie and myself all left the house to walk up the block to watch and sing in the traditional Christmas Eve concert at the Castro Theatre, put on by the SF Gay Mens Chorus. With special guest stars LGCSF (my chorus) led by Stephanie. As usual we stole the show and my parents had a GAY ‘ol time!

Christmas morning we got up, made pancakes, eggs and bacon and settled into the living room. Again joined by Gabe and James we had fun opening presents and eating. Being Jewish, this was Gabe’s first Christmas, and it was like having a ten year old in the house he was so excited. My parents, meanwhile, couldn’t help but share embarrassing stories from my childhood. I got the one thing that I asked for, which was my mom’s old acoustic guitar. I asked for that for two very specific reasons one, I want to learn to play and not having a guitar of my own was my last excuse, and secondly (mom, don’t read this part) I wanted to ask for something that wouldn’t cost them any money.

We hung out and watched movies and episodes of Planet Earth all day. I love my parents, that is a given, but I also really like them. When I hear about peoples holiday horror stories with family it always makes me a little sad. My parents and I spent a lot of time in my formative years getting to know each other as people. Not only would I seek their advice, but they would seek mine. This helped us create an adult bond that a lot of people don’t have with their families. So although they are my parents and I love them, they are also completely singular individuals with lives outside of home and each other. Let’s just put it this way… I had to join the Navy because at the age of 22 my parents still had much more exciting lives than I did!

On Wednesday morning they packed all the bags and loaded up the car for the long drive back. The one thing that came out of this visit is the very real possibility for them to live and thrive in the bay area. I couldn’t be more thrilled to have my parents closer… now all I have to do is keep reminding them…

I can’t really think of another way to end this post other than, I hope that you, dear reader, got to experience as much love, camaraderie and joy as I did this Christmas. And if you didn’t, I just want to remind you that Christmas is just an idea. It is there to bring the sentiments out that we pack away most of the year. So if you didn’t have a great holiday, make up for it by sharing those feelings of love and joy throughout the year to come.

Merry Christmas and I wish you nothing but the best in the new year...

Getting on the...

“Shortbus”, I’ve watched it about 12 times now. I can’t get enough of it.

John Cameron Mitchell is an absolute genius when it comes to filmmaking. This movie is one of the most real and honest movies I have ever had the pleasure to watch. What? Never heard of it/him? Oh but you do know who Mitchell is, he is Hedwig of the Angry Inch variety. “Shortbus” is his writing/directing follow up movie. You may not have heard of this movie due to its content; it got a very limited release.

It is the fairy tale snapshot of a bunch of New Yorkers making their way through life. From the sex therapist that can’t have an orgasm to the good looking gay guy that has everything and still can’t pull his head out of his depression. It is a refreshingly honest take on sexuality, desperation and human nature. The actors are all real people that have never been in movies before, and together with Mitchell they created and developed their characters.

The sex scenes are intense, but not more intense than the scene where the therapist covertly tells her husband that she has never once had an orgasm in the guise of “her client said…”. Another intense scene is when one of the characters tries to commit suicide. I have never seen such a clear cut photograph of what it feels like to be so depressed that death seems like the only option. But don’t misunderstand; this is not in any way, a depressing movie.

It is full of beautiful imagery and music that eventually becomes a character in and of itself. Together, some amazing animation that makes New York look like a magical place again and a script that blends a perfect balance of the absurd and insightful, this movie will affect every person who watches it differently. The script is painful and awkward and profound:

“New Yorkers are permeable, you know what I mean? Therefore we’re sane, consequently we’re the target of the impermeable and the insane. And of course, New York is where everyone comes to be forgiven. What have you done wrong? Tell me, how have you sinned? I’m sure it’s nothing serious.”

“How would you know?”

“Well, I’m sure you did your best. Imagine if you grew up here like I did. Home, can be very unforgiving. It’s true. People said, I didn’t do enough to prevent the AIDS crisis because I was in the closet. That’s not true. I did the best I could. I was… I was scared, and impermeable. Everybody knew so little then. I know even less now.”

The main thought running through this movie is that even though we all have different kinds of sex we are all human beings and we all have problems. This movie looks at sex like a character. The actors are having sex in the movie, real uninhibited passionate sex. So if erect penises and penetration makes you nervous, I would still recommend this movie. Simply because it is not biased to a specific type of sex and the preconceived roles are not what is important. What is important is the connection that people make.

The underrated outcome of sex is that it concentrates you on the person you are with. It brings you fully into the moment. During sex there is nothing but you and your partner in consistent moments of concentration and intimacy. Looking at sex this way, in stead of as something taboo or disgusting because it is not what you like, helps us evolve together into more accepting people. The outlying specifics of who is in what kind of relationships are not important, in that each person has to go on their own sexual journey. We as a society have made this open sexuality taboo and forbidden. This movie asserts that it is not important what kind of sex you have but that you have sex; hot, unbridled, passionate, sex.

A question that has been posed is: Why couldn’t they have done this movie without the explicit sex? This is a viable question to ask, but more difficult to answer. To tell a compelling story about sexuality and intimacy and what we each go through, you couldn’t be afraid of the sex. All you could do is make it real, make it true, and do it with dignity. We human beings are at a place in time where we have spent so much time talking about what is right and wrong and who is right and wrong for doing whatever it is that they do and you don’t, that we have neglected to simply love each other.

Watch this movie. It may make you uneasy. It may arouse you. It may make you see sexuality in a different way. It may make your fear and unease of those who have different kinds of sex abate a bit. But I promise you one thing, it will, without a doubt make you think. Sex is and can be the most joyous thing we ever get to experience. And as we come to a conclusion we are left with a song whose words are important for every one of us.

We all bear the scars

Yes we all fade alive

We all sigh in the dark

Get cut off before we start

And as the first act begins

You realize there always is

For a fall, for a flaw, for the end

There’s a past stained with tears

Could you talk to quiet my fears

Could you pull me aside

Just to acknowledge that I tried

And as your last breath begins

Contently take it in

‘Cuz we all get it in the end

And as your last breath begins

You find your demons’ your best friend

And we all get it in the end

Yes we all get it in the end

Who's on.... line?

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

(For all you techies that read my blog... yeah, this is
basically how I feel about computers)

We’ve Always Done It That Way…

This story is incredible, so take a few minutes for the read, and then sit back and ponder the situation. Does the statement “We’ve always done it that way” ring any bells? In the United States the standard railroad measurement (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number, so why was that measurement used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad roads, and that’s the measurement they used. Why did “they” use that measurement then? Because the people who built the roads used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that very wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legionnaires; the roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. So the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches was derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the ironic twist to the story…

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. They are Solid Rocket Boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the worlds most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horses ass! And you though being a horses’ ass wasn’t important.

For those of you that hear “because that’s the way we do it” at your jobs… Welcome to Corporate America, where not much has changed in two thousand years.

The Real Twelve days of Christmas:

December 14^th:

Dearest John,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t’ have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15^th:

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

December 16^th:

Dear John,

Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist… you’re just too kind.

December 17^th:

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately Agnes

December 18^th:

Dearest John,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly John all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

December 19^th:

Dear John,

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop!

Cordially, Agnes

December 20^th:

John,

What’s with you and those fucking birds??? Seven swans’ a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. It’s not funny! So stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

December 21^st:

Ok Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids’ a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me. Smart ass.

Ag

December 22^nd:

Hey Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there are nine pipers playing. And Christ, do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.

From Ag

December 23^rd:

You Rotten Prick,

Now there’s ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

December 24^th:

Listen fuckhead,

What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

December 25^th:

From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find a warrant for your arrest.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Tuesday in Iran

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said that there are no homosexuals in Iran.

He can say this because he knows that homosexuals are hunted down and killed in his country.

These two boys are 16 and 18 years old. They were found guilty by their “legal system” of homosexuality. They were then put to death.

Iran has put to death over 4000 gays in the last twenty five years. And they are not alone. This is a list of every country where homosexuality is a crime punishable by death:

Afghanistan; Algeria Angola; Armenia; Bahrain; Bangladesh; Barbados; Benin; Bhutan; Bosnia & Herzegovina; Botswana; Brunei; Burma (Myanmar); Burundi; Cameroon; Cape Verde Cook Islands; Djibouti; Ethiopia; Egypt; Fiji; French Polynesia (Tahiti); Georgia; Ghana; Grenada; Guyana; India; Iran; Jamaica; Kenya; Kiribati; Kuwait; Lebanon; Liberia; Libya; Malawi; Malaysia; Maldives; Mali; Marshall Islands; Mauritania; Mauritius; Moldavia; Morocco; Mozambique; Namibia; Nauru; Nepal; Nicaragua; Nigeria; Niue; Oman; Pakistan; Papua New Guinea; Puerto Rico; Qatar; Saint Lucia; Samoa; Saudi Arabia; Senegal; Seychelles; Sierra Leone; Singapore; Solomon Islands; Somalia; Sri Lanka; Sudan; Swaziland; Syria; Tajikistan; Tanzania; Togo; Tokelau; Tonga; Trinidad & Tobago; Tunisia; Tuvalu; Uganda; United Arab Emirates; Uzbekistan; Yemen; Zambia; Zimbabwe

These pictures make me sick. These pictures make me cry. These pictures make me angry. In my lifetime this kind of thing has happened. In this global economy, we do business with countries who find no moral dilemma in hunting down and murdering gay people, as if it were sport.

How have we allowed these kinds of things to go on unpunished?

Will anything change? This community of mine has become distracted. We have been sold the bag of pretty shiny things. We waste ourselves on entertainment and gossip and the look. These boys made love, like we do so casually, and it was the last moment of love they ever knew.

And yet, nothing happened. No charge from the religious right. Not worth getting into a big fight if they’re just killing their own gays. No sanctions from the United States Government. How they manage their own gay issue is none of our concern. From the rest of America: Who, what happened?

And the Gay community, what do we do? Upon learning that the murder of homosexuals is something that a whole nation gets together to do, while they revel in the streets of many many nations that are considered our allies? Well the Gay Community gets right up and………