My Sage

We always grew up around animals...

I can think of dogs back as far as I can remember, Kita the Akita, Grandma Roberta's great danes, Granmda Sally's Romeo's one through five, and a few others whose names escape me... Oh, and one cat. Oscar. I think I was around 6 when he just went missing one day. Mom said that he had run away and somehow I heard "he ran away and jumped in a volcano". Which is what I told all my school friends, that my cat had run away and jumped in a volcano... in Denver... I was six!!

But the very first dog that I called my own, was a black lab husky mix named Sage.

The most important three memories that come to mind when I think of that sweet loving pup are as follows:

3. Because we lived in the mountains in a tiny little town, we would on occasion let Sage run around outside and up the mountain that was our back yard to his hearts content. We would let him out and not see him for hours sometimes. The last time we ever let him out unattended like that he didnt come home for seven days. We made flyers and posted them around our seven hundred person town. We put them on the phone poles and even checked in with the local vets office a couple times a day. He was nowhere to be found. As time went by, Mom prepared us for the eventual reality that he might be dead. Josh and I were so sad at the idea that we refused to accept it and for that entire week, we took shifts in the front and back yard, calling Sage to come home, all to no avail.

After a week had passed Josh and I were out front playing in the street when he noticed something in the distance behind me. I turned and we both started slowly moving towards the black animal that had just come onto the street in the distance. It was more than a block away and moving very slowly and painfully toward us. But as we got closer I saw the tail twitch. Black on top with a fan of white fur on the bottom that curled up into a question mark when happy. It was Sage.

Josh and I both screamed out his name and ran toward him, his tail now wagging ferociously. But he did not run to meet us, and when we reached him, I let out a scream of understanding. He was covered in porcupine quills from head to toe. Josh reached down and very gently found arm holds and picked Sage up and we both rushed back to the house screaming for mom. When she came out and saw Sage in Josh's arms, she ran back inside, grabbed her purse and keys and ran down to meet us. We all jumped in the car and drove down to the vet. It took him almost a month to fully recover, and Josh and I both took turns sleeping with and cuddling him back to health.

2. The worst memory I have with Sage is also the one that taught me the biggest lesson, restraint. One summer night when Josh and I were home alone watching TV, Sages whines to be let out onto the patio went unanswered and ignored by us, and so, with no other option Sage peed on the carpet in the music room because Josh and I were too lazy to get up to go and open the door to the porch for him.

When Josh and I finally noticed the pee, he informed me that it was my turn to discipline Sage since he had done it last. I got up and yelled "BAD DOG" at sage as I grabbed him by the collar and led him out onto the porch. Although I was eight, I yelled too loud as I brought Sage outside, he cowered against the patio wall and lay down in submission, showing me his belly. I was still mad that I now had to scrub the carpet that I ignored the submission and I swatted him on the butt hard a couple of times and was getting ready to do it a third time while still yelling "bad dog" when I realized he was peeing again all over his leg. Then it hit me, he was pissing himself out of fear. I gasped and put my hand down. I never hit him again after that.

1. The best memory that I have of sage is the day I brought him home. I was eight years old and we had just moved across town into our very own first home. We had settled in over the last couple of months of spring, but summer was just beginning and my old neighbor friend across town's dog had finally had pups. I went over immediately because at the ripe old age of seven I was old enough to go across town by myself. I hung out with her and all of the new puppies and we played and laughed and she told me that I could have one if I wanted.

I had spent the last hour playing with eight puppies but I knew the one I wanted within the first minute, the shy quiet cute little black one with a tiny little white mark on it's chest. When I went to leave with him, at first he wouldn't follow me he went back to his mother. We tried several ways to make him follow me until finally landing on the Red Rider wagon. So my friend lent me the wagon and away I went walking across town pulling a red wagon with a brand-new puppy.

I pulled the wagon all the way home and up the front steps, meaning I had to carry the wagon in my arms up our stone stair pathway to the front door, so that by the time I arrived at the front landing I could put the wagon down behind me, ring the doorbell and have mom answer the door with me looking up all happy eyes, big smile, glowing face and puppy in tow. When this exact thing happened my cunning little genius mind came up with and delivered the penultimate sucker-punch line spoken by every kid who ever adopted an animal: "he followed me home".

The look on mom's eyes was a cross between "oh my god, no he didn't just tell me a dog followed him home in a borrowed wagon" and "that might just be the cutest thing I've ever seen". All she said to me was take him to your room and wait till Chuck gets home, we will discuss it.

And so I took the puppy to my room we played and we laughed and I introduced them to Josh, who instantly loved him, and everything seemed to be going very well. Then in the distance I heard the sound of Chuck's old beater approaching. I don't remember what kind of car it was, just a non-desript  brown station wagon piece of crap that got stolen and then recovered at red rocks park... it was like literally worth $2000 in scrap, but it hauled his drums around, so he liked it. I think that was also the car I went over the side in...

Anyway what was I talking about I've gone off track, oh right, Chuck had gotten home. Well I could hear him And mom discussing the dog in the living room, Mom seemed pretty opposed as neither of them had time to take care of a dog on top of two jobs and two kids... But Chuck quietly chimed in every now and again with a witticism of truth like "dogs make great baby sitters" and "a dog is a necessity for going on an adventure". Yeah... Thats my dad...

Meanwhile, I deviously set the stage in my room. I pulled my blanket and pillow down from my bed and wrestled the wrangling puppy to me. I calmed the puppy and lay quietly breathing with him held tight to my chest, so he would know, it is nap time now. And within a few minutes he had actually started to drift off. I waited patiently, silently laying there in the middle of the room breathing and eavesdropping, until eventually I heard the approaching footsteps of a parent. Not sure which one was approaching, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep with the sleeping puppy. Surely no one can resist a little boy sleeping with a cute little puppy.

The door opened, silence followed by a heaving sigh. It was Mom's breath, she stood there on the precipice of the room and I waited in my fake sleep... then, the door closed. When I "awoke" from my nap moments later we had a new dog. Of course there were care taking stipulations that both Josh and I urgently agreed to without listening. But somehow, and I'll still never know how he snuck in there, Chuck got the honor of naming my dog instead of me, and he ended up naming the puppy after some old wiseguy or something... I don't know...

For three years Sage was my dog, and I loved him and played with him and had the best dog a boy could ever ask for.

When we moved to California in 1989, Chuck left Sage with his band mate Wayne (the best one-time babysitter we ever had) because we couldnt have a dog in Grandma's house or the apartment we moved to after her house. I guess my parents always knew that we were never going to bring Sage to live with us again, but for the first couple years living in California I still hoped we could. It would never be so though... I never saw Sage again, and I never heard anything about his life after me but I sometimes think; does Sage ever wonder what happened to his first boy, his first owner. We spent our childhoods together I miss him so much when I think about it. And I suppose I will feel sad and guilty for the rest of my life for not having ever seen him again.

As I write this I realize that Sage, who I will always think of as my loving childhood companion and energetic adventurer, my first puppy, would have passed away of old age over fifteen years ago now. He was only in my life for the most brief three years, but I will never forget him, and I am still reduced to tears when I think about him.

I miss you Sage.


http://funkypickens.com/if-you-only-read-one-thing-today-read-this/

A conversation with my stomach

Setting: Bart Platform, rush-hour (I'm standing on the platform, music playing in my ears, zoning out when suddenly...)

Stomach: ggggggrrrrrrr.... GGrrrrrrrRRRrrrrr. GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR.....

Stomach: AAAHHHHRRRRGGGGGG  RAHHHAHHAHAHARRrrrr FEED gggGRGrrrgrGRRRRgggggrrrrrrr ME ARGGGgggggggg.... DYING!!!!

Me: Oh... ugh... (starts swaying back and forth, clutches stomach.) Ow! (my body starts to feel numbness and tingling spreading towards my extremities. Saliva washes into my mouth, am I going to pass out or just puke?)

Stomach: FEED ME!! I'm litterally shutting down! I cant carry on any further... I need to eat right NOW!!

Me: Oh wow. Ok... I hear you. I understand you are hungry. I didnt take care of you today and only had two granola bars before we left the house...

Stomach: That was literally six hours ago!! I'm dying of starvation! How can you expect me to keep going on without any fuel! Your so mean to me!! Dragging me all over the city and back, passing all these perfectly fine eating places all so you can do what YOU want!! I'M IN PAIN!!

Me: Again, I'm so sorry... I apologize profusely for being so neglectful of you today. But you cant shut down here. We're in public, waiting for a train. If you cause these crippling hunger pains you will only succeed in shutting the rest of the body down and preventing me from getting us to some food.

Stomach: Ggggggrrrrrrr... Arrrrrrgghhghhhhh HUNGRY!

Me: I understand you are hungry, but I am in charge of this body, not you. And I will now allow you to cause this pain and shut the rest of the body down. Do you understand Stomach. I have heard your hunger pains. I acknoledge that I have negelcted you and I promise as soon as we get to the office I will get you some food. Ok. So, stop causing the pain and settle down. Oh look... Bob Marley just came on my earphones... isnt that relaxing... lets try and relax and stop all this pain...

Stomach: MmmmmmGRRmmmmmmm... Fine.

Me: Thank you. hmmmmhmmmmhmmmm Redemtion song... mmmmhmmm... I mean, come on Stomach, it's not like we're wasting away or anything. I mean, we have a few extra pounds of fat and could probably stand for going without a meal every now and again. I mean seriously, I know all we had today was those two little granola bars... but when was the last time you ate before that? What did you have?

Stomach: hmmmmmm... burritto?

Me: That's right! We had that huge burritto last night! And it wasnt super early, it was like 9:00pm,,, What about before that... what did we have for lunch?

Stomach: ummmm... cant remember?

Me: Hmm.. I cant seem to... Wait! I walked home and on the way I picked up a subway sandwich! Thats right! So, wait a minute... Stomach... You had not one, but TWO 12 inch meals yesterday... Oh, AND the two candy bars at bedtime last night... And your seriously pulling that debilitating hunger pain thats so intense I can barely stay on my feet because you havent eater anything in like, twenty hours?!?!?!?!! SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!? YOU FAT FUCK!!! SHUT YOUR SPOILED ROTTEN MOUTH AND SIT THERE TIL I FEED YOU!!!

Me: Seriously... try and pull that shit on my watch motherfucker, you'll see what REAL starvation feels like!!!

Stomach: but that would hurt us both...

Me: No, just you, I'd go vegan or healthy or some shit... always leave you wanting more... still hungry ALWAYS. That will be your punishment if you don't cut the shit right now, calm your ass down and sit silently all the way to the damn office.... Don't you try and overpower me FATASS!! Mind over Fatter!!

Stomach: ...

Me: Damn right!