A conversation with my stomach

Setting: Bart Platform, rush-hour (I'm standing on the platform, music playing in my ears, zoning out when suddenly...)

Stomach: ggggggrrrrrrr.... GGrrrrrrrRRRrrrrr. GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR.....

Stomach: AAAHHHHRRRRGGGGGG  RAHHHAHHAHAHARRrrrr FEED gggGRGrrrgrGRRRRgggggrrrrrrr ME ARGGGgggggggg.... DYING!!!!

Me: Oh... ugh... (starts swaying back and forth, clutches stomach.) Ow! (my body starts to feel numbness and tingling spreading towards my extremities. Saliva washes into my mouth, am I going to pass out or just puke?)

Stomach: FEED ME!! I'm litterally shutting down! I cant carry on any further... I need to eat right NOW!!

Me: Oh wow. Ok... I hear you. I understand you are hungry. I didnt take care of you today and only had two granola bars before we left the house...

Stomach: That was literally six hours ago!! I'm dying of starvation! How can you expect me to keep going on without any fuel! Your so mean to me!! Dragging me all over the city and back, passing all these perfectly fine eating places all so you can do what YOU want!! I'M IN PAIN!!

Me: Again, I'm so sorry... I apologize profusely for being so neglectful of you today. But you cant shut down here. We're in public, waiting for a train. If you cause these crippling hunger pains you will only succeed in shutting the rest of the body down and preventing me from getting us to some food.

Stomach: Ggggggrrrrrrr... Arrrrrrgghhghhhhh HUNGRY!

Me: I understand you are hungry, but I am in charge of this body, not you. And I will now allow you to cause this pain and shut the rest of the body down. Do you understand Stomach. I have heard your hunger pains. I acknoledge that I have negelcted you and I promise as soon as we get to the office I will get you some food. Ok. So, stop causing the pain and settle down. Oh look... Bob Marley just came on my earphones... isnt that relaxing... lets try and relax and stop all this pain...

Stomach: MmmmmmGRRmmmmmmm... Fine.

Me: Thank you. hmmmmhmmmmhmmmm Redemtion song... mmmmhmmm... I mean, come on Stomach, it's not like we're wasting away or anything. I mean, we have a few extra pounds of fat and could probably stand for going without a meal every now and again. I mean seriously, I know all we had today was those two little granola bars... but when was the last time you ate before that? What did you have?

Stomach: hmmmmmm... burritto?

Me: That's right! We had that huge burritto last night! And it wasnt super early, it was like 9:00pm,,, What about before that... what did we have for lunch?

Stomach: ummmm... cant remember?

Me: Hmm.. I cant seem to... Wait! I walked home and on the way I picked up a subway sandwich! Thats right! So, wait a minute... Stomach... You had not one, but TWO 12 inch meals yesterday... Oh, AND the two candy bars at bedtime last night... And your seriously pulling that debilitating hunger pain thats so intense I can barely stay on my feet because you havent eater anything in like, twenty hours?!?!?!?!! SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!? YOU FAT FUCK!!! SHUT YOUR SPOILED ROTTEN MOUTH AND SIT THERE TIL I FEED YOU!!!

Me: Seriously... try and pull that shit on my watch motherfucker, you'll see what REAL starvation feels like!!!

Stomach: but that would hurt us both...

Me: No, just you, I'd go vegan or healthy or some shit... always leave you wanting more... still hungry ALWAYS. That will be your punishment if you don't cut the shit right now, calm your ass down and sit silently all the way to the damn office.... Don't you try and overpower me FATASS!! Mind over Fatter!!

Stomach: ...

Me: Damn right!