My wildest weirdest worst first date ever

You may not know this, but I don't actually date a lot. 

I know, you're shocked. A charmer like me. This wit, this humor, this hair. 

Still, I don't go on many dates. And by dates of course I mean, a date with a man, um, outside the house, doing something. To be honest, I don't know that I've been on more than twenty of these types of dates in my life. 

Remember, I've only had one boyfriend for five years, and while we did do a bunch of things out of the house, those are all dates already in a relationship. I'm talking about getting to know someone new, romantically, dates. Which again, should not be lumped together with sexy no pant's parties, of which I have had my fair share. Fine, I've had several peoples shares. 

But back to actual first dates, the last one I went on, right when I moved to LA was so weird that I just haven't since. We met on the apps as all the gays these days do. Chatted for a few months before agreeing to meet. He had a bunch of photo's and was ridiculously stacked (that means muscular to you newbies), well dressed and very very good looking. 

He was a lawyer who worked for a big company that he couldn't talk about because NDA's or whatever. So we just kind of got to know each other over chat and seemed to click. My favorite thing about him was that he loved to read. He said it was hard to find a partner that would sit in silence together with him, which I've always wanted as I'm also a big reader. 

Well, after a couple months of this we finally decided to go on a date. I was living with my bestie AJ in Hollywood at this time, so I let him know that I was going to be going on a date and that we might end up back in my room. He was of course happy for me. Anytime he thinks I'm going to get laid he does a little dance I swear. 

The Friday night came and he arrived promptly at 7pm. His pictures were not lying. This Adonis was FINE. Like, holy hell this man can't be really real in my home, fine. Like, my knees nearly fell out he was so good looking. And a 1000 watt smile that melted me. I'm sure I blushed and giggled way too much. I should mention here that when he came to pick me up, he came inside and met AJ. It's important later.

We started out by going to get a coffee at a Starbucks near the restaurant he wanted to take me to. I don't remember if he ever told me the name of the place. Only in hindsight does it seem weird to have a coffee date at dinner time. We sat there for about twenty to twenty five minutes just chatting and flirting and what not. I'm thinking, oh yeah, he's definitely gonna end up in my bed tonight...

Just then, his phone starts going off. Like text and calls going off. He looks, looks up and me and I gesture for him to go ahead and take it if it's important. He says it's his boss and I nod and he steps away to take the call. It's not a long call, maybe seven minutes. But when he comes back to the table his smile is gone and our date appears to be over. He has to go back to the office as something urgent has come up and he needs to do it now. 

I totally understand and say don't worry about it at all, we can do dinner when the emergency is over. He's driving me home and expressing how much he was looking forward to it and how much he liked me and really was looking forward to having a great night with me (wink wink, sexy side smile). So when we get to my place and he get's out to walk me to my door, he says, hold on, he has an idea. 

He goes to his trunk and pulls out a suitcase. 

He says it's his clothes that he's taking with him on his trip to Puerto Rico for his friends birthday the following weekend (A thing he invited me on prior to our first date mind you). He's gonna leave it with me as his promise that he's going to come back and see me as soon as the emergency has passed.  I said that's a sweet gesture, but he doesn't have to, I believe he will try to see me when he is free. 

However, he insists, and I agree and take the suitcase. He gives me a long sensual passionate kiss that  I managed to not faint during and he smiles and says he'll text me and then he runs back to his car and drives off. I go back inside and explain to AJ why I'm home early, alone and with luggage. 

AJ makes me a small dinner and we sit down in the living room to watch TV. I get a few texts from my date shortly after he dropped me off. Funny comments, flirty comments, status updates. This goes on for about an hour and a half after he dropped me off but then peters out. By ten at night I figure he's probably not going to get back to me and I start my nightly bedtime routine.

Around 11 I'm sitting in the living room with AJ and my phone rings. It's my date.  He's asking where I am. I say what do you mean, I'm at home where you dropped me. It's very loud on his end, I can't quite tell where he is but he is yelling into the phone. He asks again where am I, and I ask why? AJ is looking at me confused and I'm feeling pretty confused. 

Then my date yells "Where are you? I'm here with your roommate, he said you're here. Where are you?"

AJ and I look at each other very confused now. and I tell him to go where he can hear me. It takes a few minutes but it does get a little quieter and he repeats himself. Asking where I am, telling me he is standing with my roommate who he just met earlier, and I explain that I am at home where he dropped me, sitting with my roommate. He tries for five minutes to convince me and AJ that he is out with AJ. He seems very confused and like he might be drunk. 

So I ask him, "where are you at?"

"I'm out at Mickeys, where are you?"

"I'm at home still, did your work thing get cleared up?"

"What work thing"

"The emergency that came up while we were on our date?"

"What?"

"What's going on, you ended our date because you said you had a work emergency and now you're calling me from the club, drunk it sounds like..."

No response. 

"Hello?"

"Ok, I'll see you later" he says and then disconnects. 

AJ and I are looking at each other dumbstruck. What the hell just happened? So now I have been ditched by someone who wanted to go get drunk at the clubs and he left his suitcase in my house. We both laugh over the absurdity of it all and then we call it a night and go to our separate rooms and go to sleep. 

Around 3:30 in the morning I am woken from my sleep by three things. One, someone is pounding on my front door. Two, someone is pounding on my ceiling from the apartment upstairs and third my phone is ringing and it's AJ telling me my date is screaming my name at the front door. 

I get up and get dressed and make my way into the living room to the front door. I snatch the door open with a full booming voice I say "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

"Oh thank god! I've been trying to find you for hours!"

"What the fuck are you doing here?" 

"I thought you said I could spend the night?"

"Seriously? I said I hope we get to spend the night together, not I hope you get to ditch me, get hammered at the club, run around all night and then come back and black out in my bed!"

"Can I come in for a minute, please?"

"Why?"

"My phone is dead, I couldn't call you. My charger is in my bag and you have that."

"Fine, you can get your bag and go." I say as I let him in. I walk to my bedroom and he follows. I go in and go around the bed to grab his bag and when I turn around he is shirtless laying on my bed. Goddam those muscles. Goddam that stupid smile. 

"Can I just charge my phone a little bit? Come here, lay down with me..." 

"Can't you charge your phone in your car?"

"No, I didn't drive, I've been drinking. Come lay with me..."

"No, and you can't stay here, that ship has sailed."

I turn around and plug his phone in on my iphone charger, when I turn back to him he is already asleep. The snoring starts immediately. I am so angry at this point. Ditched me on our date, went out without me to a place I totally would have gone, get's fucking wrecked and then has the nerve to come try and crash on my bed. Hell's fucking no. 

I sat there for twenty five minutes watching his phone charge. As soon as it was at 25% I shook his ass awake and told him to call an uber and get the fuck out of my house.

He starts to protest, suddenly he's saying he can't go home as they are fumigating his place right now. He says that's why he has his suitcase. So I pick up his suitcase and walk it out my front door. He reluctantly get's up and sheepishly walks out, apologizing the whole way. I don't hear a word of it. As soon as he's out I slam and lock the door. 

I don't know what happened to him, I don't know what he was thinking, I don't know what was going on in his life. But I wanted none of it, no matter how good looking and muscular he was. Not worth it. 

He flirted with me again about two years later on a different app. When I reminded him of our previous date he apologized and said he was under a lot of pressure then and was getting pulled into the wrong crowds doing a lot of drugs. He said he was out of it now, and while I said I was happy he was better, I wasn't interested in a second date. He said he understood and that was the last time I ever heard from him. 

So yeah, I don't really date that much. I'm good.