my damn fatass!!!!

Mediocre. That is really the word. The word that has plagued me all my life. The one thing that I knew I never wanted to be. The one thing that scared me the most. Mediocre. And look at me. If I died tomorrow a few people would notice and a few people would cry. But by and large, there would be nothing. I have lived a quiet life of mediocrity.

I made myself a life here in San Francisco that a lot of people are envious of... I live the glamorous life. I travel, I dine out, I see shows, I sit home alone every night. Well... I had to throw something true into that sentence didn't I? Yeah... I do. I sit home and watch tv almost every night. In fact the only thing that I have any real knowledge of is movies. I have spent years watching movies. You ask me an actor I can probably tell you at least five different movies he has been in. Hell, sometimes I can even tell you the character name! But... sadly... that knowledge doesn't get me much.

I know, I know... I should get some sort of job either reviewing movies or something in the entertainment field. And while I have entertained that idea I already know what they will say. "You have no experience. You have no education. And you cant spell." I can spell... I just don't always spell correctly.

I have spent my life surviving.

That is what I am truly talented at. Doing just enough so that people think I am competent. Doing just enough so that people keep me around. I have hated every single job I have ever had. But I have survived work because I cant survive without it. Thankfully I have never been in a relationship... I have never been responsible for anyone but myself. I think that has helped fuel my laziness. My complete lack of desire to get off my ass is the one thing that I can absolutely rely on.

Its not that I don't have dreams. Oh how I wish I could make music, but I cant get off my ass to learn an instrument. Which of course feed my belief that one cant make music unless one can play an instrument. I know, I totally made that up. But in my mind, it is rational. Same thing goes for being an actor. I wanted nothing else for so long and yet, I never do anything about it. I have been in one play in 10 years. If I really wanted it, I could have it. Well, that's not really accurate. I do want it, I just want it to come to me.

I have become numb.

I don't seem to care about pretty much anything. For a long time I cared about the fact that I have never been loved. I worried about it, I cried about it... and for a while I even tried to do something about it. But I have become so numb in my life that I honestly don't care. I don't know if I will ever be loved and I am ok with it. I think that should scare the shit out of me, but all I can manage is this stupid little smirk as I shrug my shoulders.

I got it.

I know what it is.

I know what has stopped me from accomplishing the thing I dream about.

I am fat and I am lazy.

Yeah, that really is it. I don't act because I don't like the look of myself on camera. I don't get my picture taken because it makes me look fat. I don't go balls out for a music career because if I did become successful a lot of people would see my fat ass. That is the start. The beginning of my problems. I can recognize it and yet I am completely powerless to do a single thing about it. Not because I cant... but because I don't.

Someone tell me how to get me off my fat ass and up and running towards something. I know that it isn't too late to accomplish the things I want. Unless of course I don't get off my fat ass to accomplish them.


Ok... lighter fare on the next post... I promise.